vanity scribblin's

What to scribble about today? 
Day one of not smoking!  Not fun at all, I mean not fun at all!  I'm sure after a while the fun will kick in.  Like; I will be able to breath easier and not get pnuemonia 3 times a year.  I haven't decided just what method to follow to acheive this goal.  So far I am going with cold turkey, and day one is not easy.  I swear I keep smelling the smoldering of ashes being flicked into an ash tray!  Wait a minute, yep I am crazy, why the hell would smoldering ashes smell tempting to me? :0)  Maybe I shall try the patch and take the appropiate steps to quitting.  HMMMMMMM maybe I just don't want to quit!  If I quit I don't get my 5 minutes of silence and freedom!  But if I quit I am able to breath easier, run longer.  Hopefully not live longer........life just isn't a wonderland to me.  Quitting smoking sucks! It is just that plain and simple.
      There is no competition and no comparison, for we are all different and meant to be that way.
I claim my own power, and lovingly create my own reality.........reality sucks!  When we create harmony in our minds and hearts we will find it in our lives.  The inner creates the outer, ALWAYS!  {It is only a thought, a thought can be changed right?}  This is a new day one that I have never lived before.  I stay in the now and enjoy each and every moment......SOMETIMES (like I said reality sucks!).  What if sometimes i see my parents as tiny children who need love.  I have compassion for my parents' childhoods.  I now know that I chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn.  I forgive them and set them free.  One day I will forgive myself.  As I forgive myself I will begin to leave behind all feelings of not being good enough, then I will be free to love myself.......one day.  For now I'm just going to quit smoking!